“A Boy Named Kerry”

Kerry Collins’s country music career continues to bubble on the stove (via Shutdown Corner) as he works with established songwriters to help him write his own material:

Life hasn’t always been a string of wins and cheering fans for Collins, who completed rehab for alcoholism after public embarrassments in the late 1990s such as a driving-under-the-influence arrest and a bar scuffle with a teammate.

Although his personal life is now as solid as this season’s won-loss record, he mines those dark days to find creative inspiration.

For instance, the song I Don’t Need the Whiskey Anymore, about a man who trades his alcohol addiction for an addiction to a woman, contains his favorite line that he’s written: “I still get intoxicated but my head ain’t quite as sore.”

Hmmm.  Not bad, not great.  I find booze a little less frustrating than women, but to each his own.  Still, since things seem to be progressing slowly, we thought we’d write Kerry his own song. 

Kerry, you’re welcome to this.  Just thank Kissing Suzy Kolber in the liner notes.  And give us 98% of all royalties.

Nashville skyline warm like cheers I’ve barely known,
Things is nice ‘n easy now, but it’s been a long time findin’ home.
Lived once as a Giant, and I’ve hardly been a Saint.
Journeyman they call me, a franchise QB I just ain’t.
But ’sperience counts for somethin’; get hit enough, you learn to duck.
I know now to trust Bo Scaife, I’ll only buy a Chevy truck.

Long drive from Topeka, where I dried the whiskey outta me.
Longer drive from Thirty-Five: big game, bad memories.
Sure, I dropped the ball a lot; yeah, I rode the pine.
Maybe had some racial fights and got cut four different times.
But this old vet’s a survivor, I ain’t here to sing the blues.
Take a look at this picture, and tell me who’s still in the news:

[chorus]

Eh, it sounds better with steel guitar. And no black people in the audience.

Vincent Jackson arrested on suspicion of DUI. Maybe he was driving the Chargers bandwagon?  You’d have to be drunk for that.

ZDENKA SAYS VOTE FOR KSK: You might wonder why a Czech Republic web model would give a shit that KSK wins Best Sports Blog in the 2008 Weblog Awards. Well, to that I say: Shut up. Stop wondering. Just stare at Zdenka, let her hypnotize you the way all Czech women do, and then go vote once every 24 hours. No need to make this some sort of thinky type thing.

Mike Tomlin: Ben, glad to have you back at practice yesterday. Last time we played the Chargers, we outgained them almost two-to-one but only came away with nine points from the offense. Gotta improve on that.

Ben Roethlisberger: …

Mike Tomlin: Ben! You with me? I know you passed the memory test, but I’mma need you sharp out there. Can’t afford mental mistakes in the playoffs.

Ben!

BEN!

Roethlisberger: HEADSPOT FEELS GROGGY. TOO MUCH HEAD IN THE GROG

MUST…KEEP HEAD IN MULTIPLAYER GAME

Tomlin: Comrade! We must exterminate the scum that has laid waste to our homeland. Take your gun and strike them down!

Ben: AYE AYE COACH

Roethlisberger: HEINZ FIELD IN BETTER SHAPE THAN NORMAL. GOT MY PEW MACHINE READY. LET’S GREASE US SOME JAPS!

WAIT - I THOUGHT I WAS IN A RUSSIA STAGE! THIS WAR TAKING A TOLL ON THE BEN

WHAT’S IN THAT TREE!?

PEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEW

OH, THERE’S A TREE IN THAT TREE.

AAAAAHHHHHH NO, HOW’D THE JAPS RECRUIT YOU HINES? DON’T WANNA GREASE THE HINES. HE’S THE ONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO SCORE ME THE CHOCO TACO

HIT R2 BUTTON!

R2R2R2R2R2R2R2R2R2R2R2

WHEW - BROKE HINES TACKLE. THAT WAS TOO CLOSE

WHY THE NATE DAWG IN MY SCOPE? DON’T WANNA PEW HIM EITHER. THIS WAR IS TURNING STEELER AGAINST STEELER. THIS IS THE WORST TRIP THE BEN EVER BEEN ON.

[Mike Scifres pooch punts grenade at him]

LINEMEN PLEASE FALL ON GRENADE FOR THE BEN

PLEASE

LINEMEN?

HALP!

BEN…

BEN NOT DEAD?

WHEN I SIGN UP FOR THE XBOX HEAD MEMBERSHIP?

IT KINDA COOL

The New England might have missed out on the playoffs, but that just means they’ll have extra time to scout for the 2009 NFL Draft before Scott Pioli bolts town. So which player can you expect to draw the eye of Red Sox Nation? Well let’s just say he’s a former baseball player who played SIX positions before settling in as a receiver for the Rice Owls (former home of one Larry Izzo). Sure James Casey is a 24 year-old sophomore with limited football experience, but by god, look at that white man spin!

He’s like Welkah! mixed with a white Troy Vincent!

THIS MORNING’S LEADING CAUSE OF TUNIBONERS: A profile of James Harrison in the New York Times.  The youngest of 14 children went from thrice-cut NFL Europe scrub to Defensive Player of the Year.  His secret?  Steroids.  Lots and lots of steroids.

If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.

Bob Junior: There go the Painthers, flying under the radar. Which is funny, ’cause everybody knows Carolina was FIRST IN FLIGHT! Even if the Wright Brothers were from Ohio, THEY DONE CAME DOWN TO OUR EMPTY WINDSWEPT BEACHES LIKE A BANKER LOOKING FOR A LOW COST OF LIVING!

Soon we’ll be first in football too. I cain put a Super Bowl chaimpions license plate frame around my FIRST IN FLIGHT PLATE!

Eustice: Yessir. FIRST IN FLIGHT! CRADLE OF ‘CUE! PAINTHER PRIDE!

Bob Junior: Panther pride!

Eustice: PAINTHER pride!

Bob Junior: They don’t know about no barbecue in Arizoner. Probably be tailgatin’ at the B of A with some tofu Tex-Mex bullshit.

Eustice: Keep that chili con cockmeat out of The Vault!

Bob Junior: I am worried about their quarterback though. He’s scaled the mountain. He seen the promised land.

Eustice: But Delhomme’s got experience.

Bob Junior: Oh yes. He’s bona fide.

Eustice: Definitely bona fide.

Bob Junior: What’s even more bona fide is our running game. No fly-by-night Edgerrin James fluke game out of the Caroilina ground attack. DeAngelo Williams got shortchanged on that MVP vote. JUST ‘CAUSE HE WAITED UNTIL WEEK 8 TO DO ANYTHING. WE GO AT OUR OWN PACE IN THE SOUTH! I don’t care what nobody say, he and Stewart IS THE REAL SMASH ‘N’ DASH LIKE WE WAS THE FIRST IN FLIGHT!

Eustice: WE ARE FIRST IN FLIGHT!

Bob Junior: We was robbed out of our deserved championship in 2003 by them Yankee cheaters. Not this time. All the pieces are in place for a title run. It’ll be a fine prelude to a Tar Heel national championship.

Eustice: …

Begging your pardon, friend.

Bob Junior: What?

Eustice: What’s this Tar Heel shit? We all know them Blue Devils’ll be cuttin’ down those nets this year.

Bob Junior: What you like them uppity Duke faggots for? You didn’t go there!

Eustice: YOU DIDN’T GO TO CHAPEL HILL!

Bob Junior: I WENT TO UNC-PEMBROKE! THAT’S CLOSE ENOUGH! IT’S PART OF THE STATE SYSTEM!

Eustice: Don’t got no room for Tar Heel bitches in the Panther Pride Parade!

Bob Junior: WELL THEN FUCK PANTHER PRIDE! PSYCHO T ALL DAY! FOOK DOOK!

Eustice: THEN I’LL SEE YOUR ASS FEBRUARY 11. THAT’S THE REAL SUPER BOWL!

Bodean: Let’s not forget Davidson now! Go Stephen! Wooooooooooo Wildcats!

Bob Junior and Eustice: FUCK YOU!

Mondesi’s House is having a P-shop contest. This one is my favorite.

A VOTE FOR KSK IS A VOTE FOR AMERICA. AND STRAPPY HIGH HEELS: It’s time once again to vote for KSK as Best Sports Blog in the 2008 Weblog Awards. We’ve won this award two years in a row. Why? BECAUSE FACK YOU, THAT’S WHY! You can vote every 24 hours. And we’ll post a reminder each day with bonus sexy pictures. And yes, we’ll take requests on the photos. Because that’s what acclaimed sports blogs do. Now vote. VOTE, COCKWALLETS!

Far be it from me to mock anyone’s irrational beliefs, I have plenty of my own. But this video of Kurt Warner drawing God made me feel a little awkward on his behalf. But then, who am I to question whatever it is that makes Kurt’s mojo work? After all, if Carolina is foolish enough to get drawn into a shootout Saturday night, Warner is a game away from going back to the Super Bowl.

While Warner’s gridiron bona fides are above reproach, his drawing is short of divine. First of all, he starts out drawing God, but then he says he is really drawing Jesus. C’mon dude, pick one! I conducted a Kwick KSK straw-poll to determine who Warner’s drawing really looks like. Here are the responses I got:

• Chuck Manson
• Osama’s pubes
• Creepy Jesus
• Davendra Banhart

Conclusion: As far as artists go, Warner makes for a good rapidly-aging quarterback. Our good friend LSUfreek has another idea about the source of Warner’s greatness: