Yahoo is reporting that Tom Terrific is out for the year with a torn ACL. And it’s all thanks to the one bright beautiful man who was steel willed enough to heed our demands and make good on the challenge of a generation. For making ribbons of Dreamboat’s ligaments, we present you with this legal tender entitling the holder to $50 $60 worth of goods and services. And a goodie bag!

With it, you can buy:

-Commemorative Super Bowl XLII DVD
-One month of Netflix AND Gamefly membership
-Probably a decent lamp at Ikea
-Armed protection from Bahstan fans (5 minutes)
-6,000 Bernard Pollard football cards
- Lucrative bet against Maj’s picks that you’re bound to win

These are just a small sampling of the many options at your disposal. Don’t feel constrained by our suggestions. The money is yours to spend as you see fit. And thank you, sir. Thank you from the bottom of our cold, black, unfeeling hearts.

Oh wait, they were playing the Lions and the Bengals. I guess that makes sense. Still, how the fuck does Michael Turner go over 200 with a rookie QB starting? Read the rest of this entry »

I’LL GET THE DAHKIE THAT DID THIS!

It’s finally the first NFL Sunday of the year. I’d like to personally thank Tropical Storm Hanna for getting me out of a long-planned family trip to the beach. I really didn’t want to do that, and now I don’t have to! YEEEEAAARRRGGHHH!!!

Consider this your open thread to discuss the games, the pregame shows, fantasy advice, or picks for the day. Will Brett Favre look good with the Jets? Will the Patriots dominate as they did last regular season? Are open-ended questions like this gayer than an extra cock stapled to Alan Cumming’s forehead?

My lock of the week: Sambo over the Bitch.

In this time of rancorous political partisanship, people of all creeds and beliefs are encouraged to put their differences aside and find common ground in pulling for the Steelers. Okay, well, the VP candidates at least, because they both root for the Black & Gold.

One change in Biden since his ascent is his willingness to talk about the deaths of his first wife, Neilia, and their baby daughter, Naomi, in a traffic accident weeks after he won his first Senate race in 1972. Earlier this year, when Iowa voters would ask him about the accident, Biden would say that to talk about it was to relive it.

Now he accepts it as part of his appeal. On Friday night, when Obama and Biden met Steelers Coach Mike Tomlin in Pittsburgh, Biden recounted how “Old Mr. Rooney” — Steelers owner Dan Rooney — dispatched some players from his championship team to the hospital room in Wilmington where Biden’s two toddler sons, Beau and Hunter, were recovering from the accident. They brought the boys an autographed football as a Christmas present.

“And I have been a Steelers fan since that day,” Biden told Tomlin.

Odd, of course, that the accident happened in 1972 and Art Rooney soon thereafter dispatched his “championship team” despite the fact that the Steelers didn’t win their first Super Bowl until 1975. The Rooneys are only cheap because they splurge on time machines, apparently.

Sarah Palin can teach Republicans how to be Republicans. It’s a simple lesson. But it won’t be easy for anyone who thinks being pragmatic and principled are mutually exclusive. Mrs. Palin, 43, is the governor of Alaska and the brightest light in the land of the midnight sun.

She relishes moose burgers because “they taste better than beef with no chemicals, steroids or hormones.” She adopted the Pittsburgh Steelers because of the team’s success in the 1970s and because there are no major professional teams in her state.

Perhaps their shared fandom can help them skirt a few sticking points in their ideology (or help them commiserate over the fact that the vice presidency isn’t worth the proverbial warm bucket of spit). Sure, one’s in favor of gun control while the other is a member of the NRA. One likes stars while the other likes starfish. Luckily, they are of a piece when it comes to espousing alternate weapons.

This is Jenny, she’ll be handling things from here.

Dear Coach Zorn,

We know that it was just one game, but you just aren’t bringing the sexy. Do you see Jenny up there? She’s one of our amazing cheerleaders, and she’ll be running the offense from now on. Of course you’re still welcome to stick around and impart your wisdom on the quarterbacks, but right now we really need a sexier option at the helm. That game you called last night? That was about as sexy as a homeless guy bathing himself on the sidewalk. Do we know whether or not Jenny actually knows anything about football? Absolutely not, but for whatever reason we have an incredible amount of faith in her abilities, whatever those might be.

Just in case Jenny struggles to call plays for Jason Campbell we’ve set her up with the sexiest group of assistant coaches the league has ever seen (take that, mid-nineties Packers!). Meet Jenny’s support staff after the jump, and don’t forget to bring your support staff if you know what I mean. I mean your cock.
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Welcome back, one and all, to the third season of Always Be Covering. There’s a full slate of action set for Week 1, so let’s get in there and eat some store-bought crumbcake.

Did I say always be covering? Because I meant, “pass the fucking ball!”

Quote of the Week: You got leads. Mitch & Murray paid good money. Get their names to sell them. You can’t close the leads you’re given, you can’t close shit, you are shit, hit the bricks pal, and beat it, ’cause you are going out.

It’s the first week of the season, which means no Glengarry leads for you, fuckos. These leads may be shit, but the fact of the matter is that we’re going into the season blinder than Drew’s first sexual conquest. Can Shawne Merriman walk? Is a healthy St. Louis any good? Nobody fucking knows, and if they do, they’re full of more shit than Berman the morning after Red Lobster’s Shrimp Fest. So what better way to start the season than with a full spread of feeler bets?

On to the picks (before I start thinking about last night again and cutting myself some more)!
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The NFL is back, bitchez. Eli had no problem finding wide open receivers last night, but New York couldn’t punch it in. The over-matched Redskins rarely converted on third down and were in no position to make the Giants pay for their mistakes. The magnificently trousered Zorn Star was unimaginative in his play-calling, particularly in the fourth quarter when they were down by two scores, but played with zero urgency.

But to hell with superficial analysis, check out Brandon Jacobs going all Earl Campbell on LaRon Landry. Did Jacobs really bounce Landry’s head off the turf then step on his chest? ‘Cause that what it looks like to me. Ouch, man, ouch.

[ thx to whomever posted this pic in the live blog ]

Greetings from the Meadowlands, I’m here live with Washington’s coach Jim Zorn just minutes before his team is scheduled to begin the season against one of last season’s NFC Wildcard teams. He’s granted us a few moments for some questions before taking the field.
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